A teacher asks the students what their parents do for their jobs, and little Vanya says, "My father owns a brothel!"
Later, the very concerned teacher calls Vanya's father and says "Your son told me you own a brothel."
"No, he's just trying to save face," the father replies, "I actually work for the KGB."
Three men are sitting around telling jokes about Stalin when one pulls out a KGB badge and says, "You two are coming with me!"
Another says, "Not me, comrade!" and pulls out his KGB badge.
The third one pulls out his KGB badge too and says, "Comrades, there are too many of us around here!"
While Brezhnev is giving a speech, several men in his audience are arrested by the KGB on charges of espionage.
He approaches the KGB officer leading the raid afterwards and says, "Thank you for keeping the Union safe, comrade! But how did you know they were American spies?"
"As you yourself have said, Comrade Secretary, the enemy never sleeps."
Marshals Semyon Budyonny and Kliment Voroshilov meet one day in 1937.
"Have you heard, Semyon?" asks Voroshilov. "The NKVD seems to be arresting anyone, no matter what. What will happen? Are we next?"
"Don't worry, it has nothing to do with us. They're only going after smart ones.
Lieutenant Viktor Ilyin is being interrogated by the KGB after his arrest for trying to shoot Leonid Brezhnev.
"You've achieved nothing but sign your own death warrant," the interrogator boasts. "And I thought you called yourself a sniper."
"Hey!" Ilyin retorts. "You try to shoot straight when everyone around you is shouting 'Let me try, let me try!'"
Radio Yerevan, will the Cheka continue to exist when communism is achieved?
Under communism, the state and all its apparatuses will wither away. By then, the workers will know how to practice self-oppression.
A man turns on the TV, where it shows Brezhnev making a televised address.
He changes the channel, which is also playing Brezhnev's address. He changes the channel again, and it's Brezhnev again.
He changes to a fourth channel, which shows an angry KGB officer. "Hey you! Stop changing the channels or else!"
An American, Frenchman, and Russian debate which of them is the bravest.
The American goes first. "My friends and I take ten cars, one of which has the brake lines cut, and we grab a random set of keys, then we go racing. Afterwards, one of us is injured, and the other nine visit him in the hospital."
Then the Frenchman goes. "My friends and I find ten beautiful women, one of whom has AIDS. We roll dice on who we pair up with, and we make love all night long. Afterwards, the other nine visit the sick one in the hospital."
Then the Russian goes. "My friends and I all gather in an apartment, not knowing which of us is an informant, and spend all night telling political jokes. Afterwards, one visits the other nine in jail."
A group of students are asked the question, "If you could come up with a new way to classify the citizens of the Soviet Union, how would you do it?"
One student, the son of a KGB officer, answers:
Several dozen people are at a birthday party, and the vodka's flowing freely. Soon enough, people start telling political jokes, and they're all met with raucous laughter.
One of the guests cries out, "Please, comrades, it's too noisy, I can't hear the jokes! I'm trying to write all these down!"
Another guest comes up to him and says, "You must be a savant, how can you write down all these jokes so quickly?"
"Oh, I'm just writing down all their names."
A man is sitting at the bar, and one of the other patrons strikes up a conversation with him. At one point he's asked "If you had ten million rubles, what would you do?"
"I'd take a vacation and travel all around the Union."
"What if it were a hundred million?"
"I'd take a vacation and travel all around the Union."
"Come on, aren't there any other countries you know of?"
"I know about other countries, but I don't know who you are!"
A protester at an anti-government demonstration is pulled into a van by the KGB and taken to an interrogation room. When they search his pockets, they find he has nothing but dozens of blank pamphlets.
"What's the meaning of this?!" the interrogator asks.
"There's no point in having them printed," the protestor replies, "Everyone already knows what's wrong!"
An old Bolshevik is dying, surrounded by some of his close friends.
"I have a confession to make," he tells them. "For years, I've been a police informant. Dmitri? Back in 1921, I was the one who ratted you out to the Cheka and almost had you shot. I hope you forgive me."
"Of course, all is forgiven comrade," says Dmitri.
"Petya? I was the one who testified to the NKVD and got you sent to the gulag in 1937. Please forgive me."
"No hard feelings, you are forgiven," says Petya.
"Misha, I had you sent to a penal battalion in 1942. I feel so terrible about having done that."
"We all forgive you, friend. May you pass in peace," says Misha.
"Thank you all so much for your kindness all these years, I feel so guilty for having betrayed you!" sobs the old man. "I have one request. When I am dead, I want you to take that cactus from the windowsill and shove it up my ass."
The old man passes away, so the friends decide to comply with his strange final request. Petya grabs the cactus, while Dmitri and Misha hold up their dead friend's legs, and they violate the body.
Suddenly, there's a knock on the door. "This is the KGB! We've received information that three counter-revolutionaries have tortured an old Bolshevik to death!"
An archaeology expedition in the Urals finds the body of a caveman frozen in the ice. However, they can't find out many precise details about his age or what his various artifacts were, and soon they begin arguing.
"Relax, comrades," says the expedition leader. "I have a friend working in the KGB, and they have all sorts of high-tech equipment! Surely they have something that can help us!"
The leader makes a few calls, and soon, a team of KGB agents arrives and ask to be left alone in the site.
The next day, the lead officer gives a report to the archaeologists. "His name was Golunk, he was from a nomadic tribe in the Volosovo culture, he was born 5,344 years ago, and he died age forty-one. He mainly ate roots and berries, though sometimes he hunted elk with his spear. He had eight children from three wives, and his necklace was part of the dowry from his eldest son's wedding."
The expedition leader is stunned at how much detail the KGB was able to find out. "How could you possibly get this much information?"
The officer replies "He confessed!"
Some agents from the CIA, GIGN, and KGB come up with a bet: release a white rabbit in a forest and see who can find it first.
The CIA agents, after carefully surveilling every rock and turning several plant informants for several months, conclude the the rabbit does not exist.
The GIGN agents burn down ten acres of woodland around where the rabbit was last sighted after a week. They say that the rabbit had it coming.
The KGB agents go in the woods and return ten minutes later with a bruised and bloody bear, who's sobbing "I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
An American, a Frenchman, and a Russian are sitting at a bar and talking about what makes them happy.
"The best feeling in life is a good gun in one hand, a good beer in another, and a beautiful woman on your lap," the American says.
"The best feeling in life is sharing an excellent meal, a fine bottle of wine, and a smooth cigarette with the woman you love," replies the Frenchman.
"You're both wrong!" says the Russian. "The best feeling in life is when the KGB knocks on your door at 3 in the morning, asks 'Are you Ivan Ivanov?' and you say 'No, I'm Grigori Grigoriev, Ivan Ivanov is next door.'"
One night in Archangelsk, there's an electrical fire at the local KGB headquarters and it burns to the ground.
The next morning, the phone operator gets an incoming call. "Put me through to the local KGB headquarters."
"Sorry, the KGB burned down."
A few minutes later, the operator gets another call. "Put me through to the KGB headquarters."
"Sorry, the KGB burned down."
A few minutes after that, someone calls again. "Put me through to the KGB headquarters."
"Sorry, the KGB- wait a minute, why are you calling me again? I already told you twice that the KGB burned down!"
"I know, I just like hearing it."
Did you know that Lubyanka prison is the tallest building in Moscow?
Even when you're looking out the basement window, you can see Siberia!
On a tour in Vienna, the first chair violinist for the Moscow Philharmonic gets to play with a Stradivarius violin.
"I don't see what the big deal about it is," said the 'new violinist' who joined just before the Philharmonic left on tour.
"Let me put it in terms you can relate to," said the first chair, "Imagine you got to shoot a prisoner using Felix Dzershinsky's own pistol..."
Why do KGB teams always work in groups of three?
One to read, one to write, and one to make sure those two intellectuals don't do anything suspicious.
