While Brezhnev is giving a speech, several men in his audience are arrested by the KGB on charges of espionage.
He approaches the KGB officer leading the raid afterwards and says, "Thank you for keeping the Union safe, comrade! But how did you know they were American spies?"
"As you yourself have said, Comrade Secretary, the enemy never sleeps."
A CIA agent is sent on a deep cover mission into the Soviet Union to try and wreak as much havoc as possible. After several years, he reports back to his handler.
"I think I caused some pretty severe damage, sir."
"You're not referring to what happened at Chernobyl, are you?"
"No sir, I did something much more destructive. I managed to make Mikhail Gorbachev their General Secretary."
Radio Yerevan, what tactics do our enemies use to sabotage and undermine the socialist state?
We discuss those on our program "Useful Advice."
Some agents from the CIA, GIGN, and KGB come up with a bet: release a white rabbit in a forest and see who can find it first.
The CIA agents, after carefully surveilling every rock and turning several plant informants for several months, conclude the the rabbit does not exist.
The GIGN agents burn down ten acres of woodland around where the rabbit was last sighted after a week. They say that the rabbit had it coming.
The KGB agents go in the woods and return ten minutes later with a bruised and bloody bear, who's sobbing "I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
On a tour in Vienna, the first chair violinist for the Moscow Philharmonic gets to play with a Stradivarius violin.
"I don't see what the big deal about it is," said the 'new violinist' who joined just before the Philharmonic left on tour.
"Let me put it in terms you can relate to," said the first chair, "Imagine you got to shoot a prisoner using Felix Dzershinsky's own pistol..."
Three factory workers are arrested and are waiting together in the back of a KGB van.
The first says, "I came in to work five minutes late every day, so they accused me of being an American saboteur."
The second says, "I came in to work five minutes early every day, so they accused me of being an American spy."
The third says, "I came in to work on time every day, so they accused me of having an American watch."
An American spy in Moscow walks into a bar, but the bartender gives him a suspicious glare. "Are you an American spy?"
"Of course not!" replies the American in perfectly fluent Russian. "Could an American do this?" He grabs a bottle of cheap Russian vodka, pours himself three shots of it, and downs them without flinching.
"Good point," replies the bartender, "but I still think you're a spy."
"Could an American do this?" He picks up an accordion and plays some folk songs on it like he'd heard them his whole life.
"Still think you're a spy."
"Could an American do this?" He stands up and flawlessly dances the kazachok.
"Still not convinced, you're definitely a spy."
The American throws up his hands in frustration. "Why could you possibly think I'm an American?!"
"Well for starters, you're black."
