Stasi surveillance

 How can you tell when the Stasi has bugged your house?

There's a new cabinet in your kitchen and a new generator in your backyard.

An old woman meets Gorbachev

 An old woman gets an audience with Gorbachev, and asks him a question: "Who invented socialism, scientists or politicians?"

"Politicians, of course," replies Gorbachev.

"No wonder. If it were invented by scientists, they'd have tested it out on dogs first!"

Brezhnev orders a new space mission

 Brezhnev assembles the Soviet Union's greatest astrophysicists and tells them, "The Americans have landed on the moon years ago, and we must surpass them. The Party has decided that our cosmonauts will land on the sun!"

"But Comrade General Secretary," one of the scientists says, "our men will burn up!"

"We're not fools here in the Politburo. They can land at night."

An American and a Russian are frozen

 An American and a Russian agree to be cryogenically frozen for a hundred years. When they wake up in the distant future, however, they both die of shock almost immediately.

The American dies when he hears a radio broadcast that says, "The Oklahoma and Minnesota collective farms are reporting to the Central Committee of the American Communist Party on fulfillment of their socialist obligations..."

The Soviet dies when he hears one that says, "At the 246th CPSU Party Congress, Comrade General Secretary Brezhnev said..."

Radio Yerevan on timekeeping

 Radio Yerevan, how can I tell the precise time of day?

A few seconds before noon, you should hear us broadcasting a low-pitched tone followed by a high-pitched tone. At that moment, the time is 12 noon, or at the most a quarter past 12.

Radio Yerevan on skyscrapers

 Radio Yerevan, is it true that America has the world's largest skyscrapers?

In theory, yes. But remember, the Soviet Union has the world's largest transistors.

Radio Yerevan on stereos

 Radio Yerevan, is it true that all Soviet citizens have free stereos?

Of course, everyone hears the same thing from all sides!

Georgian students talk about their fathers

In a school in the Georgian S.S.R., the teacher asks the students to tell the class about their fathers."Turashvili, tell me about your father."

"My father grows oranges. He takes them to Moscow, sells them there, and makes good money."

"Now you, Beridze."

"My father grows laurel leaves. He takes them to Moscow, sells them there, and makes good money."

"Now you, Klividze."

"My father works in the Division for the Fight Against Embezzlement and Speculation. When Beridze's and Turashvili's fathers go to Moscow, they always first see my father. So he makes good money."

"Now you, Chavchavadze."

"My father is a chemical engineer."

The class bursts out in laughter.

"Children," the teacher says. "It's not good to laugh at somebody's poverty." 

Alleviating the butter shortage

 In order to alleviate the continual shortage of butter, the Politburo has ordered their finest scientists to find a way to convert shit into butter, and to have results by the next anniversary of the October Revolution.

After six months of hard work, the scientists send a report to the Politburo saying that they have achieved a 50% success rate. When asked to give more information, the head scientist replies, "We've figured out how to make it spreadable, but you still can't eat it yet."

A Polish tourist returns home

 A Polish tourist returns home from a visit to the Soviet Union, carrying two very heavy suitcases. Around his wrist is a stylish wristwatch, which he eagerly shows off to the customs agent:

"This is a new Soviet-made wristwatch. It's a marvel of engineering never seen in a capitalist country! It tells the time, the date, measures your pulse, the phase of the moon, the weather in Moscow, and so much more!"

"It's a real wonder," says the customs agent. "What's in the suitcases?"

"Oh, just the batteries."

Three factory workers are arrested

 Three factory workers are arrested and are waiting together in the back of a KGB van.

The first says, "I came in to work five minutes late every day, so they accused me of being an American saboteur."

The second says, "I came in to work five minutes early every day, so they accused me of being an American spy."

The third says, "I came in to work on time every day, so they accused me of having an American watch."

A Jewish boy comes home crying

 A Jewish boy comes home crying from school one day, describing how the other boys called him Yid and hook-nose and all sorts of horrible things.

His father tries to comfort him, saying, "There, there. If you study hard and keep working, then one day, you'll be renowned as a great Russian scientist!"

Gorbachev debates Ronald Reagan

 Gorbachev is in a debate with Ronald Reagan, with each of them extolling their country's military prowess.

"Marine snipers are so well-trained that they can hit a fly from a mile away!" Reagan boasts.

"Red Army snipers can hit a fly from two miles away!"

"Our radar is advanced enough to detect a MiG the moment it leaves Soviet airspace!"

"Our radar is so advanced it detects Hornets the moment they take off!"

"Our commandoes' rations allow them to eat four thousand calories a meal!"

"You lie!" Gorbachev retorts. "No man can eat twenty-five potatoes in one sitting!"