Stalin is brought back to life

 Several years after his death, Soviet science manages to bring Josef Stalin back to life. He is given a tour of how the Soviet Union has fared, and he is greatly disappointed. He barges into a Politburo meeting, where all the officials nervously stand at attention.

"You must do two things to right the course of the Union and return to properly building communism," he says. "First, you must shoot every deputy of the Supreme Soviet. Second, you must paint Lenin's tomb green."

One Politburo member nervously asks, "Why green, Comrade Stalin?"

"I knew there'd be no objections to the first proposal."

Premiers on a train

 Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, and Brezhnev are all riding in a train when suddenly, it stops. The conductor tells them that the rails up ahead are damaged and they need to wait.

Lenin says, "Comrades, let us call the workers nearby to help us fix the rails!"

Stalin sticks his head out the window and yells, "If this train doesn't start moving in 10 minutes, I'll have the entire crew shot!"

Khrushchev asks, "Why don't we just pull up the rails behind us and put them down in front?"

Brezhnev says, "Calm down, comrades. If we draw the curtains and rock the car back and forth, it's just like we're still moving!"