Soviet Dementia

 What is Soviet dementia?

It's when a Soviet citizen looks in their empty basket and can't remember whether they're heading to or from the store.

Radio Yerevan on heart transplants

 Radio Yerevan, what would happen if one of our leaders got a heart transplant with a western donor?

In theory, nothing; the heart plays no role with our leaders.

The CPSU's order of business

 Resolutions of the Central Committee of the CPSU:

1) Appoint Comrade Chernenko as General Secretary of the CPSU Central Committee.

2) To bury Comrade Chernenko in Red Square.

A headline from Pravda

 Last night, after a long battle with heart disease and without regaining consciousness, Konstantin Chernenko was appointed General Secretary of the Communist Party.

Brezhnev's foreign visits

 Why did Brezhnev do far more foreign visits as General Secretary compared to Andropov?

Because Andropov needed a wall outlet, but Brezhnev ran on batteries.

Brezhnev's final words

 On Brezhnev's deathbed, the only people in the room are a doctor by his bedside and some Politburo officials waiting by the door.

He takes his last breath, and he whispers his last words: "Get me a priest!"

When the doctor steps away, the Politburo ask him what he said.

The doctor replies, "Invade Afghanistan."

Brezhnev's health

 "Did you hear that Secretary Brezhnev is having another surgery?"

"Heart troubles?"

"Nope, chest widening—he wants room for more medals."

Reading the urine analysis

 Shortly after the Russian Civil War, a Red Guard is patrolling Petrograd at night when he sees a man walking by. "Halt! Show me your papers!"

The man rifles through his pockets to get his papers, but accidentally drops an extra document.

"Smuggling documents, eh? Let me see that!" The guard snatches the document up and struggles to read it. "Ur-ine an-al-ys-is... fats, none... sugars, none... proteins, none... my apologies, comrade, you're free to go. Long live the world revolution!"

A commissar is touring a mental sanitarium

 A commissar is touring a mental sanitarium. He notices half of the men are proudly singing the Soviet anthem, but the other half remain strangely quiet.

He pulls a nurse aside and asks, "Who are those men who aren't singing?"

"Those are all the patients in recovery, commissar."