Lenin is on his deathbed, and he turns to Stalin and says, "I'm worried that you might not be the right man to succeed me, Josef Vissarionovich. I don't know if the people will follow you..."
"Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich," replies Stalin. "Half the people will follow me, and the other half will follow you."
One of Stalin's aides enters his office and tells him, "Comrade Secretary, there is a fortune-teller who says he wants to meet with you."
"Have him shot," Stalin replies. "If he could truly tell the future, he would have known not to come here."
Two rabbits come across one another on a road in the middle of Stalin's purges. "Where are you going in such a hurry?" asks one to the other.
"They've ordered all camels to be caught and castrated!"
"But you're not a camel."
"After they catch and castrate you, try proving you're not a camel."
During the Great Patriotic War, there was a Jewish Lieutenant General in the RedArmy named Segalovich, and Stalin loved to constantly joke with him.
For example, he would say, "Comrade Segalovich, because we lost Kiev to the Nazis, I'm afraid we'll have to shoot you." Or he would say, "Comrade Segalovich, even though our troops have succeeded in taking back Stavropol, because of your past failures, we might have to shoot you." Or he would say, "Comrade Segalovich, what would you say if I told you that we decided to shoot you?"
Every time, Segalovich would become pale and reach for a cyanide pill, and this invariably amused Stalin who then would say, "Don't worry, comrade Segalovich, it was a joke. Go get back to work!" And so it went.
After the war, there was a banquet in the Kremlin, and Stalin offered toasts. One of them was to General Segalovich. Stalin said, "I drink to the health of our Comrade Segalovich, because General Segalovich is not only a good military specialist, but he also has a good sense of humor."
In the middle of the night, Josef Stalin calls Vyacheslav Molotov's phone. "Hello, Comrade Molotov? Tell me, are you still stuttering?"
"Yes, Comrade Stalin, but if the building of socialism demands it, I will-"
"No, there's no need, comrade. Goodnight."
Then, Stalin calls Anastas Mikoyan. "Comrade Mikoyan, back during the Baku Soviet, how many commissars were there total?"
"Twenty-seven, Comrade Stalin."
"And how many of them were killed in 1918?"
"Twenty-six, Comrade Stalin."
"Sleep well, lucky number twenty-seven."
Finally, Stalin dials up Lavrentiy Beria. "Comrade Beria, are you sure you had Nikolai Bukharin shot to death?"
"Quite sure, Comrade Stalin. Why do you ask?"
"No, it's nothing. Sleep well, Comrade Beria."
Stalin hangs up the phone and climbs in bed. "There. Now that I've calmed them all down, I can get a good night's rest myself."
Marshals Semyon Budyonny and Kliment Voroshilov meet one day in 1937.
"Have you heard, Semyon?" asks Voroshilov. "The NKVD seems to be arresting anyone, no matter what. What will happen? Are we next?"
"Don't worry, it has nothing to do with us. They're only going after smart ones.
Stalin goes into Lenin's office and asks, "Vladimir Ilyich, may I order a dozen communists shot?"
"If it's in the best interest of the Party, then by all means," replies Lenin.
"Vladimir Ilyich, if necessary, may I order a hundred communists shot?"
"If it's necessary, then yes."
"Vladimir Ilyich, may I, if need be, order a thousand communists shot?"
"If there's a real need for it, then yes."
"Vladimir Ilyich, if the situation calls for it, may I order a million communists shot?"
"Now Josef Vissarionovich, we'd have to criticize you in a comradely way, or even say that you've overstepped a little."
Stalin summons Karl Radek and says, "I know you go around cracking jokes at me. It's impertinent and disrespects the office."
"But why?" asks Radek.
"I'm the Great Leader, Teacher, and Friend of the People, after all."
"No, I haven't told anyone that one yet."
Stalin summons the famous novelist Mikhail Sholokhov, and tells him, "I've read your novel The Reclaimed Land. It's very good, I like it. I was thinking you could write an article, call it something like 'If the Enemy Does Not Surrender, He Is to be Finished Off'?"
Sholokhov is flattered, but replies, "I am afraid I might not be able to, Comrade Stalin. I've been in poor health as of late."
"Don't worry, Comrade. I can arrange for you to have a holiday in Georgia while you write. Enjoy the weather, have some good wine."
"Of course, Comrade Stalin. Please let me bid farewell to my family first."
"Why?"
"In case the article isn't successful."
During a dinner party with several Marshals of the Soviet Union, Stalin encourages them to display feats of strength and have a wrestling match right there in the dining room.
Every match is won by Marshal Tukhachevsky, something which infuriates Stalin to no end. He calls up Marshal Timoshenko, a rather imposing man, and orders him to face Tukhachevsky. The match ends with Timoshenko winning, but Tukhachevsky falls and hits his head on the floor.
While Timoshenko worries for his comrade's head, Stalin assuages him, "Don't worry about it, he won't be needing it much longer."
A new comedy movie is premiered for the Politburo, including Stalin. After the film ends, when asked for comment, he replies, "It was funny. But that clown had a mustache like mine. Have him arrested for treason and shot."
"But Comrade General Secretary, maybe he could shave his mustache?" suggests one of his aides.
Stalin replies, "Good idea. First shave, then shoot!"
Three men are arrested by the NKVD and are sitting in the back of a truck, and they eventually get talking about how they got arrested.
"I was arrested when I denounced Karl Radek and an informant overheard," the first one says.
The second one exclaims, "How can that be? I was arrested for praising Karl Radek!"
They both turn to the third man and ask what he did.
He replies, "I'm Karl Radek."
Stalin is giving a speech in an auditorium when he hears somebody sneeze.
He asks who did it, and when nobody responds, he orders the KGB to arrest everyone in the back row of seats.
After another minute, he asks again, gets no answer, and orders another row to be arrested.
When he asks again, a man in the front hysterically sobs "It was me, it was me!"
"Ah. Bless you, comrade."
