The Red Phone

Khrushchev asks John F. Kennedy hot it seems like he knows so much about what other world leaders are doing, almost as if he can see the future.

Kennedy replies that he has a secret phone number that goes straight to Hell, and the Devil himself tells him this information. He passes Khrushchev a business card with the number on it, but warns him it costs $100 per minute.

The next time they meet, Khrushchev said he called the line and got so much helpful information, and it only cost him 5 kopeks!

Kennedy asks how that could possibly be, and Khrushchev replies, "It's long distance for your phone, but a local line for mine!"

Lenin is on his deathbed

 Lenin is on his deathbed, and he turns to Stalin and says, "I'm worried that you might not be the right man to succeed me, Josef Vissarionovich. I don't know if the people will follow you..."

"Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich," replies Stalin. "Half the people will follow me, and the other half will follow you."

Ghosts watch a Victory Day parade

At the end of World War II, the ghosts of Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, and Napoleon watch the Soviet Victory Day parade in Red Square.

"If I had T-34s, I would have been invincible!" says Alexander.

"If I had MiGs, I would have conquered the whole world!" says Caesar.

"If I had Pravda, the world would never have heard about Waterloo!" says Napoleon.

God appears at the Yalta Conference

 God Himself appears at the Yalta Conference, and the Allied leaders approach to offer homage at His throne.

First, Winston Churchill approaches, and God stands up and shakes his hand.

Next, Franklin Roosevelt rolls up, and God stands up and shakes his hand.

Next, Stalin comes up, and God stays seated and shakes his hand. Stalin is offended and asks, "Why did you single me out and not stand up for me?"

God replies, "I know you too well, Iosef Vissarionovich. If I left My seat for just an instant, I know you'd sit on it at once."

Stalin is brought back to life

 Several years after his death, Soviet science manages to bring Josef Stalin back to life. He is given a tour of how the Soviet Union has fared, and he is greatly disappointed. He barges into a Politburo meeting, where all the officials nervously stand at attention.

"You must do two things to right the course of the Union and return to properly building communism," he says. "First, you must shoot every deputy of the Supreme Soviet. Second, you must paint Lenin's tomb green."

One Politburo member nervously asks, "Why green, Comrade Stalin?"

"I knew there'd be no objections to the first proposal."

Premiers on a train

 Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, and Brezhnev are all riding in a train when suddenly, it stops. The conductor tells them that the rails up ahead are damaged and they need to wait.

Lenin says, "Comrades, let us call the workers nearby to help us fix the rails!"

Stalin sticks his head out the window and yells, "If this train doesn't start moving in 10 minutes, I'll have the entire crew shot!"

Khrushchev asks, "Why don't we just pull up the rails behind us and put them down in front?"

Brezhnev says, "Calm down, comrades. If we draw the curtains and rock the car back and forth, it's just like we're still moving!"