Suslov is on his deathbed, and the members of the Politburo are waiting outside his bedroom for news of his death. His doctor tells them, "Yes, comrades, nobody is immune. Our greatest enemy is old age."
"No," says Brezhnev, "our greatest enemy is laziness! Look, we've been waiting half an hour, and Suslov still hasn't shown up!"
Brezhnev goes up to give a speech to the Supreme Soviet. He pulls out his notes from his jacket pocket and begins:
"Comrades, we will never forget our dear Comrade Leonid Ilyich- ...apologies, I seem to have grabbed someone else's jacket."
An American and a Russian agree to be cryogenically frozen for a hundred years. When they wake up in the distant future, however, they both die of shock almost immediately.
The American dies when he hears a radio broadcast that says, "The Oklahoma and Minnesota collective farms are reporting to the Central Committee of the American Communist Party on fulfillment of their socialist obligations..."
The Soviet dies when he hears one that says, "At the 246th CPSU Party Congress, Comrade General Secretary Brezhnev said..."
Leonid Brezhnev is playing with his grandson, and asks him, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"I want to be the General Secretary!"
"Why would the Union need two General Secretaries, though?"
The Politburo once considered awarding Brezhnev the title of Generalissimo, a title not held since Stalin's day. Unfortunately, they were forced to abandon the plan after discovering that Brezhnev could not pronounce beyond the third syllable, so he stayed a General.
9 AM: Reanimate
10 AM: Breakfast
11 AM: Deliver medals
12 PM: Recharge batteries
2 PM: Dinner
4 PM: Receive medals
6 PM: Sign important documents
8 PM: Become clinically dead
9 AM: Reanimate...
What has four legs and forty teeth? An alligator.
What has forty legs and four teeth? Brezhnev's Politburo.
Leonid Brezhnev gives a speech to the Party Congress: "It feels like everyone else in the Politburo is going senile!
"For instance, take Comrade Pelshe. He doesn't even recognize himself anymore! When I go up to greet him and say, 'Hello, Comrade Pelshe,' he replies 'Hello Comrade Brezhnev, but I'm not Comrade Pelshe!'
"And Comrade Gromyko, he's become like a child! He stole my tin soldiers off my desk during a Politburo meeting, and he refuses to give them back!
"And at Comrade Grechko's funeral—where is he, by the way?—when the music started playing, nobody else but me had the mind to ask a girl to dance!"
Under the Tsars, power passed from father to son.
But in the Soviet Union, power passes from grandfather to grandfather.
Resolutions of the Central Committee of the CPSU:
1) Appoint Comrade Chernenko as General Secretary of the CPSU Central Committee.
2) To bury Comrade Chernenko in Red Square.
Last night, after a long battle with heart disease and without regaining consciousness, Konstantin Chernenko was appointed General Secretary of the Communist Party.
Why did Brezhnev do far more foreign visits as General Secretary compared to Andropov?
Because Andropov needed a wall outlet, but Brezhnev ran on batteries.
On Brezhnev's deathbed, the only people in the room are a doctor by his bedside and some Politburo officials waiting by the door.
He takes his last breath, and he whispers his last words: "Get me a priest!"
When the doctor steps away, the Politburo ask him what he said.
The doctor replies, "Invade Afghanistan."
An aide goes up to Brezhnev and says "Sir, you're wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe."
Brezhnev replies, "I know, I noticed that myself."
"Then why didn't you change?"
"I went to, but I looked in my closet and all I had there were one brown shoe and one black shoe too."
During a state visit to Britain, Margaret Thatcher asks Brezhnev "What are your thoughts on Churchill?"
Brezhnev replies "Churchill who?"
Later, the Soviet ambassador tells him "You really put Thatcher in her place, Comrade Secretary. She'd be wise not to ask any more frivolous questions."
Brezhnev replies "Thatcher who?"
Brezhnev hears a knock on the door, so he reaches into his coat pocket, pulls out his notes, puts on his reading glasses, and asks "Who's there?"
A man walking down the street sees a poster that says Comrade Lenin has died, but his cause lives on!
"If only it were the other way around..."
The Soviet government decides to establish the first strip club in Moscow. However, it doesn't have many customers, so they bring in an American designer to take a look at it.
He examines every detail: the location, the layout, the decor, the menu, the drinks, the music, the performances, and anything else one could think of.
He returns to the Soviet officials and says, "Everything about this building is perfect, the only thing you need to change is get different performers."
"Impossible!" says the chief official. "They're perfect for the job! They've been loyal members of the Party for over fifty years!"
