Cycle Smarts

 Why do police officers ride two to a motorcycle?

Because you need at least eight years of education to drive one.

Radio Yerevan on the Central Committee

 Radio Yerevan, is it true that half the Central Committee are idiots?

That's rubbish! There's no way that half the Central Committee aren't idiots!

Radio Yerevan on types of politicians

 Radio Yerevan, is it true that there are two types of people serving as Deputies in the Supreme Soviet, Supreme Court justices, and international diplomats?

Yes: those who are capable of nothing whatsoever, and those who are capable of anything whatsoever.

Radio Yerevan on chaos

Radio Yerevan, what is the definition of chaos?

Radio Yerevan refrains from commenting on state economic policy.

Progress since the October Revolution

On the anniversary of the October Revolution, the local Party committee meets, and the boss of the local Soviet praises their progress since then.

"Dear comrades! Let's look back at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution. For example, look at Maria. Who was she before? An illiterate peasant woman who owned only one dress and no shoes. And now? She's an exemplary milkmaid known over the entire region.

"Or look at Ivan Andreev. He was the poorest man in this village! He didn't own a horse, a cow, or even a wood axe. And now? He's a tractor driver, and has two pairs of shoes!

"Or look at Trofim Semyonovich Alekseev. He was a nasty hooligan, the lowest of drunkards, a dirty gadabout. Nobody trusted him even with a snowdrift in wintertime, and he would steal anything his gaze fell upon. And now he's a Secretary of the Party Committee!"

KGB teams working in group of three

 Why do KGB teams always work in groups of three?

One to read, one to write, and one to make sure those two intellectuals don't do anything suspicious.

Reading the urine analysis

 Shortly after the Russian Civil War, a Red Guard is patrolling Petrograd at night when he sees a man walking by. "Halt! Show me your papers!"

The man rifles through his pockets to get his papers, but accidentally drops an extra document.

"Smuggling documents, eh? Let me see that!" The guard snatches the document up and struggles to read it. "Ur-ine an-al-ys-is... fats, none... sugars, none... proteins, none... my apologies, comrade, you're free to go. Long live the world revolution!"

The difference between a revelation and a miracle

What's the difference between a revelation and a miracle?

If Jesus Christ appears before the Politburo and tells them how to fix the economy, it's a revelation.

If the Politburo fixes the economy on its own, it's a miracle.