At the end of World War II, the ghosts of Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, and Napoleon watch the Soviet Victory Day parade in Red Square.
"If I had T-34s, I would have been invincible!" says Alexander.
"If I had MiGs, I would have conquered the whole world!" says Caesar.
"If I had Pravda, the world would never have heard about Waterloo!" says Napoleon.
An international academic society has a contest for the best written work on elephants, and each country can send one work.
The French entry is a lavishly-illustrated three-part series called "Love Triangles in Elephant Mating Cycles."
The British entry is a treatise titled "Elephants and Global Commerce."
The German entry is a 24-volume set of books titled "Introduction to Elephantology."
The American entry is a crate full of leaflets titled "Win an elephant today, no purchase necessary!"
The Russian entry is a three-volume collection of books titled "The Role of Elephants in the October Revolution," "The Happy Life of Elephants under the Sun of the World's Most Progressive Soviet Constitution," and "Russia: Motherland of Elephants."
In the track & field portion of the Olympics, the Soviet hammer-throw athlete wins the gold and sets a new world record.
After his amazing feat, he's interviewed by the press: "How did you manage to hurl that hammer so far?"
He replies, "If it had a sickle with it, I would've sent it twice as far."
Last night, after a long battle with heart disease and without regaining consciousness, Konstantin Chernenko was appointed General Secretary of the Communist Party.
Pravda has an image of Khrushchev visiting a pig farm for the cover of their next issue, but the editors aren't quite sure how they should caption it.
Ideas like "Khrushchev visiting pigs" or "Khrushchev among pigs" are suggested, but they are all dismissed for one reason or another.
Eventually, they settle on and eventually print: "Comrade Khrushchev, third from left."
A man goes to a newspaper stand every day, buys a copy of Pravda, glances at the front cover, makes a disgusted face, and throws it away.
The seller eventually asks him "Why do you always look at the covers but never inside?"
The man replies "I'm checking for an obituary."
"An obituary?" the seller asks. "They aren't on the front page!"
"Trust me, this one will be."
During the Olympics, the only two competitors in the 400 meter dash are the American and Soviet runner. The race happens, and the American handily wins.
The headline of the New York Times the next day: "America beats Soviets in 400 meter dash, wins gold"
The headline of Pravda the next day: "Soviet sprinter wins silver medal, America places second-to-last"
