A Russian travels to the West, and as he's searched by customs, they find two bottles of pills in his suitcase.
"They're medicine," he explains, "one is for headaches, one is for toothaches."
They also find a picture of Brezhnev. "What's this for?" they ask.
"This is for homesickness."
A man is driving with his wife and young son when they're stopped at a police checkpoint. A policeman makes the man blow into the breathalyzer, and sure enough, he's drunk.
"No way! Your machine must be broken!" swears the man. He urges the policeman to test his wife and son as well. Surprisingly, both of them register as intoxicated. The policeman admits the breathalyzer must be broken after all, and lets them pass without further issue.
As he drives away, the man tells his wife, "See? I knew it would be worth it giving him five grams of vodka!"
A man parks his car in Red Square, but a police officer rushes up to him. "You can't park there, it's right outside the Politburo!"
"Don't worry, sir," the man replies, "I made sure to lock it."
A Polish tourist returns home from a visit to the Soviet Union, carrying two very heavy suitcases. Around his wrist is a stylish wristwatch, which he eagerly shows off to the customs agent:
"This is a new Soviet-made wristwatch. It's a marvel of engineering never seen in a capitalist country! It tells the time, the date, measures your pulse, the phase of the moon, the weather in Moscow, and so much more!"
"It's a real wonder," says the customs agent. "What's in the suitcases?"
"Oh, just the batteries."
Rabinovich is standing in a May Day parade, holding a sign that says "Thank you, Comrade Stalin, for my happy childhood!"
"Wait a minute," a passing guard says, "there's no way Stalin was in charge when you were a child!"
"And that's why I'm thanking him!"
Shortly after the Russian Civil War, a Red Guard is patrolling Petrograd at night when he sees a man walking by. "Halt! Show me your papers!"
The man rifles through his pockets to get his papers, but accidentally drops an extra document.
"Smuggling documents, eh? Let me see that!" The guard snatches the document up and struggles to read it. "Ur-ine an-al-ys-is... fats, none... sugars, none... proteins, none... my apologies, comrade, you're free to go. Long live the world revolution!"
Two Red Army soldiers are standing guard on a street, with the order to shoot anyone who's out past curfew.
They notice a man walking on the other side of the street. One of the guards raises his rifle and shoots the man immediately.
The other asks, "Why the hell did you do that? Curfew doesn't start for five more minutes!"
The soldier replies, "I know he lives ten minutes away, he wouldn't have made it home in time!"
