General Segalovich and Stalin

 During the Great Patriotic War, there was a Jewish Lieutenant General in the RedArmy named Segalovich, and Stalin loved to constantly joke with him.

For example, he would say, "Comrade Segalovich, because we lost Kiev to the Nazis, I'm afraid we'll have to shoot you." Or he would say, "Comrade Segalovich, even though our troops have succeeded in taking back Stavropol, because of your past failures, we might have to shoot you." Or he would say, "Comrade Segalovich, what would you say if I told you that we decided to shoot you?"

Every time, Segalovich would become pale and reach for a cyanide pill, and this invariably amused Stalin who then would say, "Don't worry, comrade Segalovich, it was a joke. Go get back to work!" And so it went. 

After the war, there was a banquet in the Kremlin, and Stalin offered toasts. One of them was to General Segalovich. Stalin said, "I drink to the health of our Comrade Segalovich, because General Segalovich is not only a good military specialist, but he also has a good sense of humor."

Two Marshals

Marshals Semyon Budyonny and Kliment Voroshilov meet one day in 1937.

"Have you heard, Semyon?" asks Voroshilov. "The NKVD seems to be arresting anyone, no matter what. What will happen? Are we next?"

"Don't worry, it has nothing to do with us. They're only going after smart ones.

Leonid Brezhnev becomes Generalissimo

 The Politburo once considered awarding Brezhnev the title of Generalissimo, a title not held since Stalin's day. Unfortunately, they were forced to abandon the plan after discovering that Brezhnev could not pronounce beyond the third syllable, so he stayed a General.

Radio Yerevan on Generals

 Radio Yerevan, is it possible for the son of a General to become a Marshal?

In theory, yes, but it is not likely. Many Marshals have sons, too.

Stalin watches the Marshals wrestle

 During a dinner party with several Marshals of the Soviet Union, Stalin encourages them to display feats of strength and have a wrestling match right there in the dining room.

Every match is won by Marshal Tukhachevsky, something which infuriates Stalin to no end. He calls up Marshal Timoshenko, a rather imposing man, and orders him to face Tukhachevsky. The match ends with Timoshenko winning, but Tukhachevsky falls and hits his head on the floor.

While Timoshenko worries for his comrade's head, Stalin assuages him, "Don't worry about it, he won't be needing it much longer."

Two veterans get in an argument

 Two Great Patriotic War veterans get in an argument about who contributed more to the war effort.

"I was in Stalingrad! Where the hell were you?" says one.

"While you were twiddling you thumbs in Stalingrad," says the other, "I was in Malaya Zemlya helping decide the fate of the war!"

An NKVD officer inspects a battalion

 An NKVD officer is inspecting a Red Army battalion when he finds two men dead in their barracks. He calls over their captain and asks what happened.

The captain points to one body and says, "He died after accidentally eating a poisonous mushroom, a real tragedy."

The officer then asks about the other body, which had a bullet hole in the back of the head.

"He didn't want to eat the mushrooms."

Gorbachev debates Ronald Reagan

 Gorbachev is in a debate with Ronald Reagan, with each of them extolling their country's military prowess.

"Marine snipers are so well-trained that they can hit a fly from a mile away!" Reagan boasts.

"Red Army snipers can hit a fly from two miles away!"

"Our radar is advanced enough to detect a MiG the moment it leaves Soviet airspace!"

"Our radar is so advanced it detects Hornets the moment they take off!"

"Our commandoes' rations allow them to eat four thousand calories a meal!"

"You lie!" Gorbachev retorts. "No man can eat twenty-five potatoes in one sitting!"

What's the world's largest country

 What's the world's largest country?

Czechoslovakia. The Red Army said they were leaving in 1945, but they still hadn't reached the border in 1968.

Why did the Soviets open fire

 Why did the Soviets open fire on protesters during the Prague Spring?

Because socialism always aims at the common man.

Budyonny's cavalry sabers

 During the Battle of Moscow, Budyonny told Stalin that there were no new cavalry sabers, so the troops were given old ones with the inscription "For Faith, Tsar and Fatherland" on the blades.

"Do they still chop German heads?" asks Stalin.

"They do, Comrade Stalin."

"Then we will chop German heads for Faith, Tsar and Fatherland!"

A Colonel-General approaches Stalin

 A Colonel-General approaches Stalin and asks "Comrade General Secretary, in Germany, I took some... things of interest to me, but they were confiscated at a checkpoint. If possible, I would ask you to get them returned to me."

"I can do that, give me a report and I'll write the resolution for it."

The General pulls out a pre-prepared report from his pocket. Stalin writes on it: “Give the Colonel his things. -J. Stalin."

The General reads it and says "You misspelled, Comrade Stalin. I'm not a Colonel, but a Colonel-General."

"No, everything is correct here, Comrade Colonel."

That mustachioed bastard...

 When General Zhukov leaves the Kremlin one day after a war briefing, Stalin's secretary Alexander Poskrebyshev hears him mutter "That mustachioed bastard..." under his breath.

Poskrebyshev passes on what he heard, and Zhukov is called before Stalin the next day to explain himself.

"Comrade Zhukov, who was the 'mustachioed bastard' you were talking about yesterday?"

"I was referring to Hitler, Comrade Secretary." Stalin is satisfied and lets Zhukov leave.

Then, he calls in Poskrebyshev.

"Now, who did you think he was talking about, comrade?"

Surrendering for makhorka

 During the Winter War, Finnish troops along the front lines hear a Soviet commissar yelling with a megaphone "Surrender to us, and we'll give you some makhorka!"

One Finn grabs a megaphone and yells back "Surrender to us, and we'll give you a pack of real cigarettes!"

The commissar yells back "Join us, we have communism!"

The Finn replies "I bet you're lying about the makhorka, too!"

One Finn is worth ten Russians!

 A Red Army division is marching through Finland during the height of the Winter War, when they hear a voice in the woods yell "One Finn is worth ten Russians!"

The commander sends in a squadron, and they are all quickly shot dead by a hidden Finnish sniper.

The voice calls again, "One Finn is worth a hundred Russians!" The commander sends in a regiment, and all his soldiers end up shot dead.

The voice yells "One Finn is worth a thousand Russians!" so the commander orders his entire division into the woods, knowing he has enough to overwhelm them.

Only one wounded survivor staggers out, saying "It's a trap, there are two Finns in the woods!"

Reading the urine analysis

 Shortly after the Russian Civil War, a Red Guard is patrolling Petrograd at night when he sees a man walking by. "Halt! Show me your papers!"

The man rifles through his pockets to get his papers, but accidentally drops an extra document.

"Smuggling documents, eh? Let me see that!" The guard snatches the document up and struggles to read it. "Ur-ine an-al-ys-is... fats, none... sugars, none... proteins, none... my apologies, comrade, you're free to go. Long live the world revolution!"

Two Red Army soldiers enforcing curfew

 Two Red Army soldiers are standing guard on a street, with the order to shoot anyone who's out past curfew.

They notice a man walking on the other side of the street. One of the guards raises his rifle and shoots the man immediately.

The other asks, "Why the hell did you do that? Curfew doesn't start for five more minutes!"

The soldier replies, "I know he lives ten minutes away, he wouldn't have made it home in time!"