Two rabbits come across one another on a road in the middle of Stalin's purges. "Where are you going in such a hurry?" asks one to the other.
"They've ordered all camels to be caught and castrated!"
"But you're not a camel."
"After they catch and castrate you, try proving you're not a camel."
An old Bolshevik is dying, surrounded by some of his close friends.
"I have a confession to make," he tells them. "For years, I've been a police informant. Dmitri? Back in 1921, I was the one who ratted you out to the Cheka and almost had you shot. I hope you forgive me."
"Of course, all is forgiven comrade," says Dmitri.
"Petya? I was the one who testified to the NKVD and got you sent to the gulag in 1937. Please forgive me."
"No hard feelings, you are forgiven," says Petya.
"Misha, I had you sent to a penal battalion in 1942. I feel so terrible about having done that."
"We all forgive you, friend. May you pass in peace," says Misha.
"Thank you all so much for your kindness all these years, I feel so guilty for having betrayed you!" sobs the old man. "I have one request. When I am dead, I want you to take that cactus from the windowsill and shove it up my ass."
The old man passes away, so the friends decide to comply with his strange final request. Petya grabs the cactus, while Dmitri and Misha hold up their dead friend's legs, and they violate the body.
Suddenly, there's a knock on the door. "This is the KGB! We've received information that three counter-revolutionaries have tortured an old Bolshevik to death!"
An archaeology expedition in the Urals finds the body of a caveman frozen in the ice. However, they can't find out many precise details about his age or what his various artifacts were, and soon they begin arguing.
"Relax, comrades," says the expedition leader. "I have a friend working in the KGB, and they have all sorts of high-tech equipment! Surely they have something that can help us!"
The leader makes a few calls, and soon, a team of KGB agents arrives and ask to be left alone in the site.
The next day, the lead officer gives a report to the archaeologists. "His name was Golunk, he was from a nomadic tribe in the Volosovo culture, he was born 5,344 years ago, and he died age forty-one. He mainly ate roots and berries, though sometimes he hunted elk with his spear. He had eight children from three wives, and his necklace was part of the dowry from his eldest son's wedding."
The expedition leader is stunned at how much detail the KGB was able to find out. "How could you possibly get this much information?"
The officer replies "He confessed!"
Some agents from the CIA, GIGN, and KGB come up with a bet: release a white rabbit in a forest and see who can find it first.
The CIA agents, after carefully surveilling every rock and turning several plant informants for several months, conclude the the rabbit does not exist.
The GIGN agents burn down ten acres of woodland around where the rabbit was last sighted after a week. They say that the rabbit had it coming.
The KGB agents go in the woods and return ten minutes later with a bruised and bloody bear, who's sobbing "I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
An American and a Russian die and both go to hell. The American goes to American Hell, where he has to eat a bucket of shit every day. The Russian is sent to Soviet Hell, where he has to eat two buckets of shit.
A while later, the two tormented souls see each other and talk a bit.
"It's horrible torture," the American says, "but I'm glad I'm not suffering as much as you."
"It's not too bad," the Russian replies, "most of the time the buckets of shit don't arrive, and when they do there's never enough for everybody!"
A Russian dies and goes to Hell, so Satan puts him in a lake of fire.
However, the man's happy. He yells out, "I'll never be cold again!"
So, Satan takes the man out of the lake of fire and puts him in an endless ocean.
The man is even happier, and he exclaims, "I'll never be thirsty again!"
Finally, Satan puts him in a lake of ice, where he's frozen up to his head.
However, the man's now crying tears of joy, and he yells, "Hell froze over! Russia is free!"
