Rabinovich misses a Party meeting

 Someone goes up to Rabinovich and asks him, "Comrade, why were you absent from the last Communist Party meeting?"

Rabinovich is shocked. "Nobody told me it would be the last one! If I had known, I would've brought my whole family!"

A Jewish couple in Moscow Airport

In Moscow International Airport, a couple of would-be emigrants to Israel are waiting for their plane when they hear an intercom announcement: "The flight to Tel Aviv are delayed for Comrade Brezhnev's departure to Paris."

A little while later, they hear another one: "The flight to Tel Aviv are delayed for Comrade Kosygin's departure to London."

A little while after that, they hear another one: "The flight to Tel Aviv are delayed for Comrade Gromyko's departure to New York."

The wife turns to her husband and asks, "Look Abram, they've all left! With them gone, why should we leave?"

General Segalovich and Stalin

 During the Great Patriotic War, there was a Jewish Lieutenant General in the RedArmy named Segalovich, and Stalin loved to constantly joke with him.

For example, he would say, "Comrade Segalovich, because we lost Kiev to the Nazis, I'm afraid we'll have to shoot you." Or he would say, "Comrade Segalovich, even though our troops have succeeded in taking back Stavropol, because of your past failures, we might have to shoot you." Or he would say, "Comrade Segalovich, what would you say if I told you that we decided to shoot you?"

Every time, Segalovich would become pale and reach for a cyanide pill, and this invariably amused Stalin who then would say, "Don't worry, comrade Segalovich, it was a joke. Go get back to work!" And so it went. 

After the war, there was a banquet in the Kremlin, and Stalin offered toasts. One of them was to General Segalovich. Stalin said, "I drink to the health of our Comrade Segalovich, because General Segalovich is not only a good military specialist, but he also has a good sense of humor."

A Jewish couple in Odessa hears cannons

 An old Jewish couple in Odessa are shocked by the sound of cannon fire echoing through the city.

"What's that? Did they finally get some meat in stock at the store?" asks Sara.

"No, it's just because Brezhnev arrived in Odessa."

A little bit later, a cannon blast echoes again.

"It must be because they have meat in stock, Abram!"

"No, I already said, it's because Brezhnev arrived."

"So did they miss him the first time or what?"

A Jew requests an exit visa

 A Jew requests an exit visa to move to America, saying that his brother is ill and he needs to take care of him.

The officer looking over the visa request says, "Well, why can't your brother come here?"

"My brother's ill, but he's not mentally ill."

An old Jew lays dying

 An old Jew lays dying on his deathbed, and he asks one of his friends to summon a Communist Party official so he could join the Party.

"But why would you possibly want that?!"

"Better that one of them dies than one of us."

An auditor visits a synagogue

 An auditor from the government visits a synagogue. He looks through the rabbi's account books and sees there's nothing out of the ordinary, but he's convinced they must be embezzling goods.

"Comrade Rabbi," he asks, "last year the authorities sent you ten boxes of candles, but every candle leaves leftover wax. Confess, did you sell this wax for profit?"

"Of course not, comrade inspector, we collected it and sent it back to Moscow, and they sent us new candles in exchange. I have the receipt here."

"And what about the three tons of matzoh bread your synagogue requested? You claimed that some of it was spoiled or inedible, a very convenient reason to explain why it's gone..."

"We took every piece of spoiled bread and sent it back to Moscow, and they sent us a new batch in exchange. We have the shipping bills right here."

"And what about the circumcision ceremonies? It says that you performed over 200 of them. Did you illegally sell off the flesh and blood from those on the black market?"

"No, we collected them all and sent them back to Moscow!"

"I'm sure you did. Pray tell, what did they send in return?"

"Well, today they sent you..."

Rabinovich makes trade deals

 Rabinovich works as a trade official, and he's told he's about to be fired for incompetence. "Please, I have a family to feed!" he begs.

His Party boss gives him an impossible challenge as a test. "Alright then, you will fly to France and try and sell a thousand liters of Soviet perfume. If you do it, you can keep your job and get a bonus too."

Rabinovich is sent off, and a week later, his boss gets a telegram: "Contract made, here's the address for the perfume."

He returns home, but his boss is still skeptical and wants another test. "Fly to Morocco and sell as many Soviet oranges as you can."

Two weeks later, the boss gets another telegram: "Morocco is buying Soviet oranges in any quantity, send the first shipment to this address."

Rabinovich returns and receives another bonus, but his boss gives one final test. "Fly to China and sell Soviet-made sneakers. If you do it, you'll be made head of the local trade ministry."

The first month goes by with no word, then the second, then the third. Four months later, Rabinovich sends a telegram saying "China is buying sneakers in any quantity, send the first shipment to this address."

When Rabinovich returns, he gets a hero's welcome at the trade ministry, and the Party boss says "I can't believe you did it! But tell me, why did this one take so long!"

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to find another Jew in China?"

Rabinovich calls Pamyat

 Rabinovich calls up the headquarters of the nationalist group Pamyat with a question.

"Is it true that the Jews sold out Russia?"

"Of course they did!"

"Great, where do I get my share?"

Rabinovich is emigrating to Israel

 Rabinovich is emigrating to Israel to join his family. At the airport, he's stopped by a customs guard. "What's that bust you're holding?"

"Not what, who! This is a bust of Comrade Lenin, forebear of the revolution! I'll put him on my mantlepiece to inspire me to spread socialism abroad!"

The guard waves him through without further question. After the plane ride, an Israeli customs guard asks him "What's that bust you're holding?"

"No what, who! This is a bust of Lenin, the bastard who made my life hell! I'll put him in my bathroom so I can show him my ass every day!"

The guard waves him through with a laugh. Rabinovich soon arrives at his cousin's house, who asks him "Who's that bust your holding of?"

"Not who, what! This, dear cousin, is five kilos of solid gold!"

A Jewish boy comes home crying

 A Jewish boy comes home crying from school one day, describing how the other boys called him Yid and hook-nose and all sorts of horrible things.

His father tries to comfort him, saying, "There, there. If you study hard and keep working, then one day, you'll be renowned as a great Russian scientist!"

A Russian Jew wants to emigrate

 A Russian Jew is at the visa office, where the clerk is trying to talk him out of immigrating to Israel.

"Why do you want to emigrate?"

"I don't really want to, but my wife insists."

"But aren't you the man of the house?"

"Her parents insist, too."

"Can't you tell her parents to leave with her while you stay?"

"I don't think you understand, I'm the only Jew in the family."

Brezhnev conducts a survey

 Brezhnev has his ministers conduct a survey on Russian Jews and whether they'd emigrate to Israel when given the chance.

"Comrade minister, how many Jews are in the Soviet Union?"

"Three to four million, Comrade Secretary."

"And how many Jews would emigrate if we gave them the opportunity?"

"Ten to twelve million."

Waiting in line for meat

 At a line for meat rations, the store is starting to run low. At 9, they announce "All Jews, get out of the line!"

They still don't have enough for everyone in line, so at 10 they announce "Everyone who isn't in the Party, get out of the line!"

It's still too low for them to make it, so at 11 they announce "Everyone who isn't a Great Patriotic War veteran, get out of the line!"

At noon, they announce "Apologies comrades, but we're all out of meat!"

As everyone who was still in line walks away, one man mutters, "Bloody Jews, always getting preferential treatment!"

An international quartet

 During a town's May Day celebrations, the local party chairman announces that an international string quartet will play.

"The quartet represents people from all corners of the Union living in friendship:

Comrade Filippenko shall represent Ukraine,

Comrade Burkhanov shall represent Uzbekistan,

Comrade Krikorian shall represent Armenia,

and Comrade Rosenbaum shall be playing violin."