3 rubles for Afghanistan

Vanya is asked to bring 3 rubles to school to support the Communist Party of Afghanistan, but he doesn't because he doesn't believe there's such thing as a Communist Party in Afghanistan.

The next day, the students are asked to bring 3 rubles to support the trade unions of Afghanistan. Vanya doesn't bring them, though, because he doesn't believe there are such things in Afghanistan.

The day after, the students are asked to bring 3 rubles to help the starving children of Afghanistan. Vanya brings in 9 rubles, and says, "My father says that if they have starving children, they must have the Communist Party and trade unions, too."

Answering the phone

 A little girl is home alone when the phone rings.

"Hello? ...no, my daddy's not home. He's a cosmonaut up in space, and he'll be coming back tonight!

"My mother? She's not home either, she's waiting in line to get some potatoes. She'll be back tomorrow."

Vanya's father

 A teacher asks the students what their parents do for their jobs, and little Vanya says, "My father owns a brothel!"

Later, the very concerned teacher calls Vanya's father and says "Your son told me you own a brothel."

"No, he's just trying to save face," the father replies, "I actually work for the KGB."

Trabants and teenagers

How is a Trabant like a pregnant teenager?

They're both fifteen years old and the shame of the family.

A man is driving with his wife and son

 A man is driving with his wife and young son when they're stopped at a police checkpoint. A policeman makes the man blow into the breathalyzer, and sure enough, he's drunk.

"No way! Your machine must be broken!" swears the man. He urges the policeman to test his wife and son as well. Surprisingly, both of them register as intoxicated. The policeman admits the breathalyzer must be broken after all, and lets them pass without further issue.

As he drives away, the man tells his wife, "See? I knew it would be worth it giving him five grams of vodka!"

Brezhnev is playing with his grandson

 Leonid Brezhnev is playing with his grandson, and asks him, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"I want to be the General Secretary!"

"Why would the Union need two General Secretaries, though?"

Georgian students talk about their fathers

In a school in the Georgian S.S.R., the teacher asks the students to tell the class about their fathers."Turashvili, tell me about your father."

"My father grows oranges. He takes them to Moscow, sells them there, and makes good money."

"Now you, Beridze."

"My father grows laurel leaves. He takes them to Moscow, sells them there, and makes good money."

"Now you, Klividze."

"My father works in the Division for the Fight Against Embezzlement and Speculation. When Beridze's and Turashvili's fathers go to Moscow, they always first see my father. So he makes good money."

"Now you, Chavchavadze."

"My father is a chemical engineer."

The class bursts out in laughter.

"Children," the teacher says. "It's not good to laugh at somebody's poverty." 

Students are asked a question

 A group of students are asked the question, "If you could come up with a new way to classify the citizens of the Soviet Union, how would you do it?"

One student, the son of a KGB officer, answers:

1. People who were in prison
2. People who are in prison
3. People who will be in prison

A boy asks his grandpa

 In the distant future of 2010, a boy asks his grandpa, "Grandpa, what's a line?"

The grandpa replies, "A bit over twenty years ago, there wasn't enough meat in stores, so we had to wait in long queues at the stores' entrance in hopes of there being some meat for us to buy. That's what lines are. Understand?"

"Oh, okay," says the boy. "But what's meat?"

Students learn about the Soviet Union

 In an elementary school classroom, the teacher is telling the kids how wonderful life is in the Soviet Union.

"Where do the children have the best clothes?"

"The Soviet Union!"

"Where do the children have the best toys?"

"The Soviet Union!"

"Where are the children the happiest?"

"The Soviet Union!"

Suddenly, one of the students starts crying. The teacher asks, "What's wrong, little Vanya?"

"I wish I lived in the Soviet Union!"

Communism in our children's lifetimes

 They say that full communism will not be achieved in our lifetimes, but in the lives of our children.

Those poor children.

A Jewish boy comes home crying

 A Jewish boy comes home crying from school one day, describing how the other boys called him Yid and hook-nose and all sorts of horrible things.

His father tries to comfort him, saying, "There, there. If you study hard and keep working, then one day, you'll be renowned as a great Russian scientist!"

A little girl visits her grandmother

 A little girl is visiting her grandmother, who asks, "Dear, what are you learning in school these days? It's probably so different from what I was taught."

"They taught us about what life will be like under communism! The shops will be stocked, nobody will be unemployed, and everyone can have enough to eat!"

"Ah," the grandmother replies, "Just like under the Tsar!"

A son borrows the car keys

 A teenage son goes up to his father. "Dad, can I borrow the car keys?"

"Sure, but don't lose them. We're getting the car in only seven years!"

A class sees a rabbit

 A group of elementary school students are on a field trip walking through a park when they see a rabbit. "What's that?" one of the students asks.

The teacher replies, "Let's see if you know: he appears in a lot of the stories that we've been learning this year..."

One of the students immediately runs up to the rabbit and pets it, saying "It's nice to meet you, Papa Lenin!"

A father and son see Lenin's tomb

 A father and his son are waiting to see Lenin's tomb when the child notices an armed guard at the entrance.

"Father, why do they have a guard here?"

"They told you in school that 'Lenin lived, Lenin lives, Lenin lives on forever,' right?" the father asks, and the son nods.

"So," he continues, "what if he tries to get up?"

Lenin is shaving

 Lenin is shaving when a boy comes up to him and asks him for some candy. Lenin's response is to slap the boy in the face, and he runs off crying.

Someone tells him that that was cruel, and Lenin replies, "No, it was merciful. After all, I could have hit him with the hand holding the razor."