At the end of World War II, the ghosts of Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, and Napoleon watch the Soviet Victory Day parade in Red Square.
"If I had T-34s, I would have been invincible!" says Alexander.
"If I had MiGs, I would have conquered the whole world!" says Caesar.
"If I had Pravda, the world would never have heard about Waterloo!" says Napoleon.
During the Great Patriotic War, there was a Jewish Lieutenant General in the RedArmy named Segalovich, and Stalin loved to constantly joke with him.
For example, he would say, "Comrade Segalovich, because we lost Kiev to the Nazis, I'm afraid we'll have to shoot you." Or he would say, "Comrade Segalovich, even though our troops have succeeded in taking back Stavropol, because of your past failures, we might have to shoot you." Or he would say, "Comrade Segalovich, what would you say if I told you that we decided to shoot you?"
Every time, Segalovich would become pale and reach for a cyanide pill, and this invariably amused Stalin who then would say, "Don't worry, comrade Segalovich, it was a joke. Go get back to work!" And so it went.
After the war, there was a banquet in the Kremlin, and Stalin offered toasts. One of them was to General Segalovich. Stalin said, "I drink to the health of our Comrade Segalovich, because General Segalovich is not only a good military specialist, but he also has a good sense of humor."
Marshals Semyon Budyonny and Kliment Voroshilov meet one day in 1937.
"Have you heard, Semyon?" asks Voroshilov. "The NKVD seems to be arresting anyone, no matter what. What will happen? Are we next?"
"Don't worry, it has nothing to do with us. They're only going after smart ones.
The Politburo once considered awarding Brezhnev the title of Generalissimo, a title not held since Stalin's day. Unfortunately, they were forced to abandon the plan after discovering that Brezhnev could not pronounce beyond the third syllable, so he stayed a General.
Radio Yerevan, is it possible for the son of a General to become a Marshal?
In theory, yes, but it is not likely. Many Marshals have sons, too.
Radio Yerevan, why did the Armenian SSR establish a Ministry of the Navy if they're landlocked?
We heard that the Azerbaijanis established a Ministry of Culture.
During a dinner party with several Marshals of the Soviet Union, Stalin encourages them to display feats of strength and have a wrestling match right there in the dining room.
Every match is won by Marshal Tukhachevsky, something which infuriates Stalin to no end. He calls up Marshal Timoshenko, a rather imposing man, and orders him to face Tukhachevsky. The match ends with Timoshenko winning, but Tukhachevsky falls and hits his head on the floor.
While Timoshenko worries for his comrade's head, Stalin assuages him, "Don't worry about it, he won't be needing it much longer."
Two Great Patriotic War veterans get in an argument about who contributed more to the war effort.
"I was in Stalingrad! Where the hell were you?" says one.
"While you were twiddling you thumbs in Stalingrad," says the other, "I was in Malaya Zemlya helping decide the fate of the war!"
An NKVD officer is inspecting a Red Army battalion when he finds two men dead in their barracks. He calls over their captain and asks what happened.
The captain points to one body and says, "He died after accidentally eating a poisonous mushroom, a real tragedy."
The officer then asks about the other body, which had a bullet hole in the back of the head.
"He didn't want to eat the mushrooms."
At a line for meat rations, the store is starting to run low. At 9, they announce "All Jews, get out of the line!"
They still don't have enough for everyone in line, so at 10 they announce "Everyone who isn't in the Party, get out of the line!"
It's still too low for them to make it, so at 11 they announce "Everyone who isn't a Great Patriotic War veteran, get out of the line!"
At noon, they announce "Apologies comrades, but we're all out of meat!"
As everyone who was still in line walks away, one man mutters, "Bloody Jews, always getting preferential treatment!"
Gorbachev is in a debate with Ronald Reagan, with each of them extolling their country's military prowess.
"Marine snipers are so well-trained that they can hit a fly from a mile away!" Reagan boasts.
"Red Army snipers can hit a fly from two miles away!"
"Our radar is advanced enough to detect a MiG the moment it leaves Soviet airspace!"
"Our radar is so advanced it detects Hornets the moment they take off!"
"Our commandoes' rations allow them to eat four thousand calories a meal!"
"You lie!" Gorbachev retorts. "No man can eat twenty-five potatoes in one sitting!"
On Brezhnev's deathbed, the only people in the room are a doctor by his bedside and some Politburo officials waiting by the door.
He takes his last breath, and he whispers his last words: "Get me a priest!"
When the doctor steps away, the Politburo ask him what he said.
The doctor replies, "Invade Afghanistan."
What's the world's largest country?
Czechoslovakia. The Red Army said they were leaving in 1945, but they still hadn't reached the border in 1968.
Why did the Soviets open fire on protesters during the Prague Spring?
Because socialism always aims at the common man.
During the Battle of Moscow, Budyonny told Stalin that there were no new cavalry sabers, so the troops were given old ones with the inscription "For Faith, Tsar and Fatherland" on the blades.
"Do they still chop German heads?" asks Stalin.
"They do, Comrade Stalin."
"Then we will chop German heads for Faith, Tsar and Fatherland!"
A Colonel-General approaches Stalin and asks "Comrade General Secretary, in Germany, I took some... things of interest to me, but they were confiscated at a checkpoint. If possible, I would ask you to get them returned to me."
"I can do that, give me a report and I'll write the resolution for it."
The General pulls out a pre-prepared report from his pocket. Stalin writes on it: “Give the Colonel his things. -J. Stalin."
The General reads it and says "You misspelled, Comrade Stalin. I'm not a Colonel, but a Colonel-General."
"No, everything is correct here, Comrade Colonel."
While in Yalta, Stalin and Roosevelt are looking over the side of a battleship in the harbor. Eventually, they make a bet about how the American and Soviet men would react to their orders.
Roosevelt goes up to an American seaman and says, "This is an order from your Commander-in-Chief. For the good of the nation, I command you to throw yourself overboard!"
The sailor refuses, saying, "I can't, Mister President, I have a wife and kids back home."
Then, Stalin turns to a Russian sailor and says, "This is an order from your General Secretary. For the good of the Union, I command you to throw yourself overboard!"
The sailor makes for the railing, but Roosevelt grabs a hold of him and asks why.
"I have to, sir, I have a wife and kids back home."
When General Zhukov leaves the Kremlin one day after a war briefing, Stalin's secretary Alexander Poskrebyshev hears him mutter "That mustachioed bastard..." under his breath.
Poskrebyshev passes on what he heard, and Zhukov is called before Stalin the next day to explain himself.
"Comrade Zhukov, who was the 'mustachioed bastard' you were talking about yesterday?"
"I was referring to Hitler, Comrade Secretary." Stalin is satisfied and lets Zhukov leave.
Then, he calls in Poskrebyshev.
"Now, who did you think he was talking about, comrade?"
During the Winter War, Finnish troops along the front lines hear a Soviet commissar yelling with a megaphone "Surrender to us, and we'll give you some makhorka!"
One Finn grabs a megaphone and yells back "Surrender to us, and we'll give you a pack of real cigarettes!"
The commissar yells back "Join us, we have communism!"
The Finn replies "I bet you're lying about the makhorka, too!"
A Red Army division is marching through Finland during the height of the Winter War, when they hear a voice in the woods yell "One Finn is worth ten Russians!"
The commander sends in a squadron, and they are all quickly shot dead by a hidden Finnish sniper.
The voice calls again, "One Finn is worth a hundred Russians!" The commander sends in a regiment, and all his soldiers end up shot dead.
The voice yells "One Finn is worth a thousand Russians!" so the commander orders his entire division into the woods, knowing he has enough to overwhelm them.
Only one wounded survivor staggers out, saying "It's a trap, there are two Finns in the woods!"
