A Russian travels to the West, and as he's searched by customs, they find two bottles of pills in his suitcase.
"They're medicine," he explains, "one is for headaches, one is for toothaches."
They also find a picture of Brezhnev. "What's this for?" they ask.
"This is for homesickness."
Life under Lenin is like being in a tunnel: it's dark, but you can see the light coming up.
Life under Stalin is like being on a bus: there's one man driving, half the people are sitting, and the other half are shaking.
Life under Khrushchev is like a circus: one man is talking, and everyone else is laughing.
Life under Brezhnev is like a bad movie: everyone's just waiting for the show to end.
On a state visit to Washington, Brezhnev is given a tour of the White House, and is impressed with all the amenities inside it. He turns to Carter and asks, "The Soviet people would love to know how you ca afford such niceties in the midst of an economic crisis."
Carter leads Brezhnev to a window, points out it, and says, "Do you see that bridge over the Potomac?"
"Of course."
"We had originally budgeted it with $100 million of federal funds. But through clever and cost-effective management, we were able to finish it ahead of schedule and under budget. The money we saved was added to the White House's budget."
"I see..."
Several months later, Carter is on a state tour to Moscow, and gets a tour of the Kremlin. He's wowed by the antique furniture, the Persian rugs, the caviar served, and all the other luxuries. "Tell me, Mister Brezhnev, how can you afford all this?"
Brezhnev leads Carter to a window, points out it, and says, "Do you see that bridge over the Moskva?"
"No, there isn't one."
"Well there you go!"
In 1970, a Soviet trade delegation visits Czechoslovakia. When they arrive at the airport in Prague, they're met by the Minister for Trade and climb in his limo. Outside the airport, they pass a great bronze statue of Lenin, which the Minister explains was built out of gratitude for Soviet funds helping build the airport. The delegates note that it's nice, but aren't really impressed.
Later, they drive past a war memorial with a large silver statue of Stalin. The Minister says that it was built to honor the Soviet liberation of Czechoslovakia in World War II. The delegates are impressed; they've seen plenty of war memorials in the Eastern Bloc, but never a silver one.
When they drive through the main square, they pass a great gold statue of Brezhnev, which the Minister says is a symbol of thanks for the Soviets for all their economic and military aid to the country.
The delegates are positively stunned at the sight. "Wow," one says, "the Czechoslovak people must really love their brothers in the Soviet Union!"
The Minister replies, "Yes, we must."
While Brezhnev is giving a speech, several men in his audience are arrested by the KGB on charges of espionage.
He approaches the KGB officer leading the raid afterwards and says, "Thank you for keeping the Union safe, comrade! But how did you know they were American spies?"
"As you yourself have said, Comrade Secretary, the enemy never sleeps."
Erich Honecker is making pillow talk with his mistress when she tells him, "Dear, why won't you open the borders?"
After a moment of pondering what she means, he replies, "Ah! You want the two of us to have some alone time!"
During a state visit to the United States, Brezhnev notices a piano at the White House and asks if he can play it. While playing, he notices a red button at the end of the keyboard. Curiosity gets the better of him, and he pushes it. Suddenly, a bucket of cold water falls from the ceiling and douses him, to the laughter of President Carter and his staff.
Later, Carter is on a state visit to the Soviet Union, and he notices a piano at the Kremlin. Brezhnev invites him to play, and Carter too notices a red button at the end of the keyboard. He presses it, and nothing happens, but Brezhnev and the other Soviet staff are bursting out in laughter.
Carter looks on bemused, before asking, "Do you mind telling me what exactly is so funny? I don't think Soviet jokes translate well to our sense of humor in the United States."
In between bouts of tearful laughter, Brezhnev replies, "What United States?"
Brezhnev assembles the Soviet Union's greatest astrophysicists and tells them, "The Americans have landed on the moon years ago, and we must surpass them. The Party has decided that our cosmonauts will land on the sun!"
"But Comrade General Secretary," one of the scientists says, "our men will burn up!"
"We're not fools here in the Politburo. They can land at night."
Brezhnev is sitting at his desk, toying with his Lenin Prize for his best-selling trilogy of memoirs.
Mikhail Suslov walks in, and Brezhnev asks him, "Comrade Suslov, have you read my book Malaya Zemlya?"
"Of course. it's a wonderful book, especially for our nation's youth."
"And you're being sincere?"
"Of course, Leonid Ilyich, would I ever lie to you?"
"Good. Then call Kosygin."
Kosygin walks in, and Brezhnev greets him with, "Mikhail Petrovich!"
"I'm not Mikhail Petrovich."
"Damnit. Uh, Pyotr Mikhailovich?"
"I'm not Pyotr Mikhailovich."
"Enough interruptions. Tell me, have you read my book Malaya Zemlya?"
"Of course, I'm rereading it for the third time right now."
Brezhnev dismisses Kosygin, and gets thinking. "Everyone likes my book," he muses as he toys with his Lenin Prize, "Maybe I should read it myself one day."
Brezhnev tours a factory and asks the workers, "How are your lives, comrades?"
"We're living well, Comrade General Secretary."
"And you want to live even better lives?"
"If you give us such an order, we'll live even better."
Ronald Reagan, Francois Mitterrand, and Leonid Brezhnev are all at an international conference together. After a while, they pause for a smoke break.
Reagan's gold cigarette case is engraved with the message To Ronnie, from your friends in Hollywood.
Mitterrand's case is engraved with To my beloved Francie, from Danielle.
Brezhnev's case is engraved with To Alexander Pushkin, from Prince Vyazemsky.
Suslov is on his deathbed, and the members of the Politburo are waiting outside his bedroom for news of his death. His doctor tells them, "Yes, comrades, nobody is immune. Our greatest enemy is old age."
"No," says Brezhnev, "our greatest enemy is laziness! Look, we've been waiting half an hour, and Suslov still hasn't shown up!"
In Moscow International Airport, a couple of would-be emigrants to Israel are waiting for their plane when they hear an intercom announcement: "The flight to Tel Aviv are delayed for Comrade Brezhnev's departure to Paris."
A little while later, they hear another one: "The flight to Tel Aviv are delayed for Comrade Kosygin's departure to London."
A little while after that, they hear another one: "The flight to Tel Aviv are delayed for Comrade Gromyko's departure to New York."
The wife turns to her husband and asks, "Look Abram, they've all left! With them gone, why should we leave?"
While meeting with Leonid Brezhnev, the American President asks him, "How do you manage food distribution in such a large country?"
Brezhnev replies, "It's very simple. We bring all the food to Moscow, and everyone forms a great line to receive their share when it's their turn. Then they carry it to where they need to go."
Two weeks after Khrushchev's deposal and enforced retirement by Brezhnev, his wife goes out to get some bread, but comes back empty-handed.
"Can you believe it?" he says. "Two weeks without me, and everything's already collapsing!"
Brezhnev goes up to give a speech to the Supreme Soviet. He pulls out his notes from his jacket pocket and begins:
"Comrades, we will never forget our dear Comrade Leonid Ilyich- ...apologies, I seem to have grabbed someone else's jacket."
An American and a Russian agree to be cryogenically frozen for a hundred years. When they wake up in the distant future, however, they both die of shock almost immediately.
The American dies when he hears a radio broadcast that says, "The Oklahoma and Minnesota collective farms are reporting to the Central Committee of the American Communist Party on fulfillment of their socialist obligations..."
The Soviet dies when he hears one that says, "At the 246th CPSU Party Congress, Comrade General Secretary Brezhnev said..."
Brezhnev is walking down a hall in the Kremlin when an aide passing by wishes him "Merry Christmas."
Later in the day, another aide passes by and wishes him "Merry Christmas."
Brezhnev replies, "Yes, I was already informed."
Leonid Brezhnev is playing with his grandson, and asks him, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"I want to be the General Secretary!"
"Why would the Union need two General Secretaries, though?"
