The Red Phone

Khrushchev asks John F. Kennedy hot it seems like he knows so much about what other world leaders are doing, almost as if he can see the future.

Kennedy replies that he has a secret phone number that goes straight to Hell, and the Devil himself tells him this information. He passes Khrushchev a business card with the number on it, but warns him it costs $100 per minute.

The next time they meet, Khrushchev said he called the line and got so much helpful information, and it only cost him 5 kopeks!

Kennedy asks how that could possibly be, and Khrushchev replies, "It's long distance for your phone, but a local line for mine!"

Demons appear in the White House

 A group of demons appear in the White House and request an audience with an (unsurprisingly terrified) President.

What do you want?" asks the President.

"You know how Stalin died recently?" reply the demons. "Well we're the first refugees."

Brezhnev goes to Hell

 Leonid Brezhnev dies and goes to Hell. Due to his prominence in life, Satan says that he can choose his punishment.

So Brezhnev walks through Hell, seeing the punishments inflicted upon other world leaders. He sees Stalin being submerged in boiling water, Hitler being hung upside-down, and Khrushchev with Marilyn Monroe sitting on his lap.

"Ooh, I choose Khrushchev's punishment!" says Brezhnev.

"Sorry, Leonid Ilyich," replies Satan, "that's actually Marilyn Monroe's punishment."

Hitler goes to Hell

 Hitler goes to Hell and is thrown in a lake of boiling blood, where he's submerged up to his neck. He sees Stalin, who's only submerged up to his waist.

"Hey!" Hitler calls out. "Why aren't you as deep as I am?"

"Oh, I'm standing on Lenin's shoulders."

Karl Marx dies and goes to Hell

When Karl Marx dies, God unsurprisingly has him sent to Hell. But after several years, he gets a call from a worried-sounding Satan.

"Please, you need to take Marx back! He's organized the imps into Young Pioneers, he's convinced the demons to unionize, and they're about to overthrow me!"

God relents, and agrees to let Marx into Heaven. Several years later, Satan calls up God to see how things are going.

"Hey God, I'm just calling to see how Marx has been behaving."

"First of all, you shall address me as 'Comrade God.' Second, I can't talk because I'm running late to the Central Committee meeting. Third, there is no God. Goodbye."

A man dies and goes to Heaven

 A man dies and goes to Heaven, but after spending many carefree years in a celibate, sober paradise, he becomes bored. So, he asks to see what Hell's like.

He's given a tour, and it looks like everyone there's having a wild time: they're eating, drinking, smoking, gambling, having sex, and doing anything else their heart desires.

Upon returning to Heaven, he officially requests to be transferred to Hell, and God accepts. But as soon as he arrives at Hell's gates, he's grabbed by demons and shoved in a vat of boiling tar.

"Hey, what's going on?! Where's the part with all the drinking and sex?!"

"Oh, that part's for the tourists and run by the propaganda department," explains a demon. "This part is for residents!"

American Hell and Soviet Hell

 An American and a Russian die and both go to hell. The American goes to American Hell, where he has to eat a bucket of shit every day. The Russian is sent to Soviet Hell, where he has to eat two buckets of shit.

A while later, the two tormented souls see each other and talk a bit.

"It's horrible torture," the American says, "but I'm glad I'm not suffering as much as you."

"It's not too bad," the Russian replies, "most of the time the buckets of shit don't arrive, and when they do there's never enough for everybody!"

A Russian dies and goes to Hell

 A Russian dies and goes to Hell, so Satan puts him in a lake of fire.

However, the man's happy. He yells out, "I'll never be cold again!"

So, Satan takes the man out of the lake of fire and puts him in an endless ocean.

The man is even happier, and he exclaims, "I'll never be thirsty again!"

Finally, Satan puts him in a lake of ice, where he's frozen up to his head.

However, the man's now crying tears of joy, and he yells, "Hell froze over! Russia is free!"