Stalin offers his blood

 Stalin is giving a speech, during which he says, "I will gladly give my blood for the working class, drop by drop!"

A note is passed up to him from the crowd, which reads, "Comrade Stalin, why drag things out? Give it all now!"

Khrushchev writes his own speech

 Khrushchev is preparing a speech, this time by himself, without any speechwriters. When the script is finished, he gives it to his deputy and asks for his opinion.

"It's an outstanding, inspiring speech," replies the deputy.

Khrushchev then shares it with his Minister of Culture, who says, "Comrade Khrushchev, this is a great speech, in the finest traditions of Marxism-Leninism."

Finally, Khrushchev gives his script to his son-in-law, who unlike Khrushchev, has a formal education. He says, "Your speech is okay, but 'fuckyou' is supposed to be two words, and 'ass hole' is supposed to be one."

Brezhnev pulls notes from his jacket

 Brezhnev goes up to give a speech to the Supreme Soviet. He pulls out his notes from his jacket pocket and begins:

"Comrades, we will never forget our dear Comrade Leonid Ilyich- ...apologies, I seem to have grabbed someone else's jacket."

Reagan has a nightmare

 One night, Ronald Reagan wakes up in a cold sweat. He wakes up his wife and says, "Nancy, I had the most horrible nightmare!"

"Well, what happened?"

"I was at the Twenty-Sixth Soviet Party Congress, and Brezhnev gets up to speak. He says 'Now, we shall listen to a report from Comrade Reagan, First Secretary of the CPSU Washington Committee.' And you know what? I'd forgotten my notes!"

Brezhnev gives a speech at the Party Congress

 Brezhnev gives a speech at the Party Congress reporting on the dire nature of production in the Union. "Comrades, the Planning Committee tells me that by next year, we'll run out of meat. What shall we do?"

The hall is silent, until one voice in the crowd says "We'll work ten hours a day!"

Brezhnev continues, "The Planning Committee reports that in two years, we'll run out of dairy products. What shall we do?"

The same voice responds again, "We'll work twelve hours a day!"

Brezhnev continues, "The Planning Committee reports that in three years, we'll run out of bread. What shall we do?"

The same voice says, "We will work day and night without rest!"

Brezhnev's eyes tear up, and he says, "Thank you, dear comrade, for your patriotic initiative! Tell me, where do you work?"

"In a crematorium, Comrade Secretary."

Brezhnev addresses rumors

 Brezhnev makes a televised address: "I have heard malicious rumors that instead of myself, they are carrying a dummy in my car. I categorically deny these allegations and assert you that instead of a dummy, they carry me!"

Radio Yerevan on the longest joke

 Radio Yerevan, what is the longest joke you know?

Khrushchev's speech at the Party Congress.

Leonid Brezhnev gives a speech on senility

 Leonid Brezhnev gives a speech to the Party Congress: "It feels like everyone else in the Politburo is going senile!

"For instance, take Comrade Pelshe. He doesn't even recognize himself anymore! When I go up to greet him and say, 'Hello, Comrade Pelshe,' he replies 'Hello Comrade Brezhnev, but I'm not Comrade Pelshe!'

"And Comrade Gromyko, he's become like a child! He stole my tin soldiers off my desk during a Politburo meeting, and he refuses to give them back!

"And at Comrade Grechko's funeral—where is he, by the way?—when the music started playing, nobody else but me had the mind to ask a girl to dance!"

A man turns on his TV

 A man turns on the TV, where it shows Brezhnev making a televised address.

He changes the channel, which is also playing Brezhnev's address. He changes the channel again, and it's Brezhnev again.

He changes to a fourth channel, which shows an angry KGB officer. "Hey you! Stop changing the channels or else!"

Brezhnev gives a speech to the British Parliament

 During state visit to Britain, Brezhnev begins giving a speech to Parliament. "Honorable Prime Minister Gandhi..."

An aide comes up to him and whispers, "Actually, it's Margaret Thatcher."

Undeterred, Brezhnev begins again. "Honorable Prime Minister Gandhi..."

The aide comes up to him again and says, "Sir! It's Margaret Thatcher!"

Brezhnev annoyedly replies, "I know, but the speech says Indira Gandhi!"

Brezhnev talks to his speechwriter

 After a speech, Brezhnev storms up to his speechwriter and says "What the hell was that? I asked you for a fifteen minute speech, but that took forty-five minutes!"

The speechwriter replies, "It was, I just gave you two backup copies."

Leonid Brezhnev opens the Moscow Olympics

 During the Moscow Olympics opening ceremony, Brezhnev stands up to the podium to give his speech.

He starts out by saying "Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!"

For the closing speech, they made sure not to print his notes on the Olympic rings letterhead.

Stalin hears a sneeze

 Stalin is giving a speech in an auditorium when he hears somebody sneeze.

He asks who did it, and when nobody responds, he orders the KGB to arrest everyone in the back row of seats.

After another minute, he asks again, gets no answer, and orders another row to be arrested.

When he asks again, a man in the front hysterically sobs "It was me, it was me!"

"Ah. Bless you, comrade."