Radio Yerevan on elections

 Radio Yerevan, what will the results of the upcoming election be?

We don't know, someone stole the election results from the Central Committee yesterday.

Radio Yerevan on theft

 Radio Yerevan, when communism is achieved, will there still be theft and looting?

In theory, no. All the looting will have been completed under socialism.

Radio Yerevan on winning a car

 Radio Yerevan, is it true that Grigori Grigoriyev won a luxury car in the All-Union Championship in Moscow?

In theory, yes. But the initial bulletin was incorrect. It is not Grigori Grigoriyev, but Vasily Vasiliyev; it was not the All-Union Championship, but a kolkhoz sports festival in Smolensk; it was not a car, but a bicycle; and it was not won, but rather someone stole it from him.

A man parks his car in Red Square

 A man parks his car in Red Square, but a police officer rushes up to him. "You can't park there, it's right outside the Politburo!"

"Don't worry, sir," the man replies, "I made sure to lock it."

Progress since the October Revolution

On the anniversary of the October Revolution, the local Party committee meets, and the boss of the local Soviet praises their progress since then.

"Dear comrades! Let's look back at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution. For example, look at Maria. Who was she before? An illiterate peasant woman who owned only one dress and no shoes. And now? She's an exemplary milkmaid known over the entire region.

"Or look at Ivan Andreev. He was the poorest man in this village! He didn't own a horse, a cow, or even a wood axe. And now? He's a tractor driver, and has two pairs of shoes!

"Or look at Trofim Semyonovich Alekseev. He was a nasty hooligan, the lowest of drunkards, a dirty gadabout. Nobody trusted him even with a snowdrift in wintertime, and he would steal anything his gaze fell upon. And now he's a Secretary of the Party Committee!"

A Pole joins the Communist Party

 In post-war Poland, a man is applying to join the Communist Party.

"So, what did you do during the Great Patriotic War?"

"I was a farmer and grew wheat, commissar."

"Were you a member of any bandit groups?"

"No, this will be my first one."

Two cellmates talk about their arrest

 Two men are cellmates in a gulag and they soon start talking about how they got imprisoned.

One says, "I got four years for stealing bread from a state market. You?"

"I'm a plumber by trade. One day, they hired me to fix a pipe in the Kremlin. I took one look at the pipes and said, 'The whole system needs replacing!' ...so they gave me ten years."

Two burglars

 Two burglars break into a building in the middle of the night, only to find that every shelf, drawer, and box in the place is empty.

"Damnit, Ivan," one cries out, "you broke us into the general store!"

Brezhnev and his wife take a train

 Brezhnev and his wife are taking a train from a state visit in Berlin back to Moscow.

At one point, she asks him where they are. Brezhnev opens the window, sticks his hand out, and pulls it back in a second later.

"We're still in Germany. I stuck my hand out and someone kissed it."

A few hours later, she asks him again, and he sticks his hand out the window again.

"We're in Poland now. I stuck my hand out and someone spat on it."

She asks him a third time after several more hours passed, and he sticks his hand out again.

"We're back in Russia. I stuck my hand out and someone stole my watch!"

A Colonel-General approaches Stalin

 A Colonel-General approaches Stalin and asks "Comrade General Secretary, in Germany, I took some... things of interest to me, but they were confiscated at a checkpoint. If possible, I would ask you to get them returned to me."

"I can do that, give me a report and I'll write the resolution for it."

The General pulls out a pre-prepared report from his pocket. Stalin writes on it: “Give the Colonel his things. -J. Stalin."

The General reads it and says "You misspelled, Comrade Stalin. I'm not a Colonel, but a Colonel-General."

"No, everything is correct here, Comrade Colonel."

Some workers in a washing machine factory

 Some workers in a washing machine factory decide that they want one for themselves. So, they resolve to steal the parts over time and build it in their apartments.

But it seemed that every time they tried, it would end up as a T-34.