A man is driving with his wife and son

 A man is driving with his wife and young son when they're stopped at a police checkpoint. A policeman makes the man blow into the breathalyzer, and sure enough, he's drunk.

"No way! Your machine must be broken!" swears the man. He urges the policeman to test his wife and son as well. Surprisingly, both of them register as intoxicated. The policeman admits the breathalyzer must be broken after all, and lets them pass without further issue.

As he drives away, the man tells his wife, "See? I knew it would be worth it giving him five grams of vodka!"

Celebrating Lenin's centenary

 To celebrate the hundredth anniversary of Lenin's birth, plants and factories all across the Soviet Union design commemorative goods to honor him:

• A perfume named "Scent of Lenin"
• A soap named "All over Lenin's places"
• A cosmetic powder named "Lenin's ashes"
• A bed for newly weds named "Lenin is always with us"
• A laxative named "Lenin's testament"
• A candy named "Lenin in chocolate"
• A bra named "Lenin's hills"
• A wine named "Lenin in Razliv"
• A sausage named "Lenin's cut"
• A cuckoo clock with a Lenin figurine that, on the hour, pops out and says, "What to do? What to do?"
• A fountain named "Lenin's jet"
• A windup doll of Lenin that, when wound up, hops one step forward and two back
• A tourist guidebook called Lenin's Favorite Siberian Places, for people who like telling jokes about Lenin

Radio Yerevan on vodka

 Radio Yerevan, what do I do if drinking too much vodka begins to affect my job?

Get off your job.

A man dies and goes to Heaven

 A man dies and goes to Heaven, but after spending many carefree years in a celibate, sober paradise, he becomes bored. So, he asks to see what Hell's like.

He's given a tour, and it looks like everyone there's having a wild time: they're eating, drinking, smoking, gambling, having sex, and doing anything else their heart desires.

Upon returning to Heaven, he officially requests to be transferred to Hell, and God accepts. But as soon as he arrives at Hell's gates, he's grabbed by demons and shoved in a vat of boiling tar.

"Hey, what's going on?! Where's the part with all the drinking and sex?!"

"Oh, that part's for the tourists and run by the propaganda department," explains a demon. "This part is for residents!"

Comrade Ivanov applies for Party membership

 A man's applying for Party membership and gets told the requirements.

"Comrade Ivanov, do you smoke?"

"I have a cigarette on occasion."

"You should know that Lenin opposed unhealthy habits like tobacco."

"Then I shall quit smoking."

"Comrade Ivanov, do you drink?"

"I have vodka with dinner sometimes."

"You should know that Lenin condemned drunkenness."

"Then I shall be sober."

"Comrade Ivanov, how are you with women?"

"I... indulge occasionally."

"You should know that Lenin condemned immoral behavior."

"Then I shall stop seeing women."

"Comrade Ivanov, would you sacrifice your life for the Party?"

"Of course I would, who would want to have a life like that?"

An American spy in Moscow

 An American spy in Moscow walks into a bar, but the bartender gives him a suspicious glare. "Are you an American spy?"

"Of course not!" replies the American in perfectly fluent Russian. "Could an American do this?" He grabs a bottle of cheap Russian vodka, pours himself three shots of it, and downs them without flinching.

"Good point," replies the bartender, "but I still think you're a spy."

"Could an American do this?" He picks up an accordion and plays some folk songs on it like he'd heard them his whole life.

"Still think you're a spy."

"Could an American do this?" He stands up and flawlessly dances the kazachok.

"Still not convinced, you're definitely a spy."

The American throws up his hands in frustration. "Why could you possibly think I'm an American?!"

"Well for starters, you're black."

A family is watching the news

 A family is watching the news when they hear an announcement that the taxes on vodka will be going up.

The father sighs and says "I guess this means we'll be seeing some changes around here."

"Does this mean you'll be drinking less, papa?"

"No, it means you'll be eating less."

An American and Soviet missile

 Nuclear war breaks out, and an American and Soviet ICBM meet one another high up in the atmosphere.

"Comrade missile," says the Soviet missile, "we're about to kill millions of people. Let us stop for a moment and have a drink."

The Soviet missile pulls out a bottle of the vodka, and they both put back a couple shots of it.

"Comrade missile," continues the Soviet missile, "from destruction comes new beginnings. Let's drink to that as well."

So, the two missiles throw back a few more shots.

"You know," points out the Soviet missile, "neither of us will make it in the end either. Let's have another drink, to us."

After finishing the bottle, the American missile says "I don't feel so good..."

"Don't worry, comrade missile, I'll walk you home."

Reading the urine analysis

 Shortly after the Russian Civil War, a Red Guard is patrolling Petrograd at night when he sees a man walking by. "Halt! Show me your papers!"

The man rifles through his pockets to get his papers, but accidentally drops an extra document.

"Smuggling documents, eh? Let me see that!" The guard snatches the document up and struggles to read it. "Ur-ine an-al-ys-is... fats, none... sugars, none... proteins, none... my apologies, comrade, you're free to go. Long live the world revolution!"