Radio Yerevan on good times

 Radio Yerevan, I would like to know when the promised good days will come.

The caller is inattentive, the good days have already come and gone.

Defining a communist

What is a communist?

 Someone who's read Marx and Lenin.

What is an anti-communist?

Someone who's read and understood Marx and Lenin.

Traveling with Brezhnev

A Russian travels to the West, and as he's searched by customs, they find two bottles of pills in his suitcase.

"They're medicine," he explains, "one is for headaches, one is for toothaches."

They also find a picture of Brezhnev. "What's this for?" they ask.

"This is for homesickness."

3 rubles for Afghanistan

Vanya is asked to bring 3 rubles to school to support the Communist Party of Afghanistan, but he doesn't because he doesn't believe there's such thing as a Communist Party in Afghanistan.

The next day, the students are asked to bring 3 rubles to support the trade unions of Afghanistan. Vanya doesn't bring them, though, because he doesn't believe there are such things in Afghanistan.

The day after, the students are asked to bring 3 rubles to help the starving children of Afghanistan. Vanya brings in 9 rubles, and says, "My father says that if they have starving children, they must have the Communist Party and trade unions, too."

50 Złoty

A Polish man decides to deposit his heard-earned money stashed in his mattress, so he goes to the bank and talks to the teller.

"I want to make sure my 50 złoty are safe. What happens if someone robs the bank?"

"No worries," the teller replies, "If that happens, the main branch in Warsaw will cover the loss."

"And what if the main branch goes bust? I've heard this can happen."

"No worries, the Polish Central Bank guarantees us."

"And what if our economy fails?" the man asks. "What if the Central Bank runs out of money?"

"It's very, very unlikely that would happen," the teller replies, "but if it did, then our treaty with the Soviet Union means they would cover the losses."

"But what if the Soviet Union collapses?"

"Look, wouldn't that be worth 50 złoty?"

The Red Phone

Khrushchev asks John F. Kennedy hot it seems like he knows so much about what other world leaders are doing, almost as if he can see the future.

Kennedy replies that he has a secret phone number that goes straight to Hell, and the Devil himself tells him this information. He passes Khrushchev a business card with the number on it, but warns him it costs $100 per minute.

The next time they meet, Khrushchev said he called the line and got so much helpful information, and it only cost him 5 kopeks!

Kennedy asks how that could possibly be, and Khrushchev replies, "It's long distance for your phone, but a local line for mine!"

Soviet Dementia

 What is Soviet dementia?

It's when a Soviet citizen looks in their empty basket and can't remember whether they're heading to or from the store.