The Red Phone

 Khrushev asks John F. Kennedy hot it seems like he knows so much about what other world leaders are doing, almost as if he can see the future

 Kennedy replies that he has a secret phone number that goes straight to Hell, and the Devil himself tells him this information He passes Khrushchev a business card with the number on it, but warns him it costs $100 per minute.

The next time they meet, Khrushchev said he called the line and got so much helpful information, and it only cost him 5 kopeks!

Kennedy asks how that could possibly be, and Khrushchev replies, "It's long distance for your phone, but a local line for mine!"

Soviet Dementia

 What is Soviet dementia?

It's when a Soviet citizen looks in their empty basket and can't remember whether they're heading to or from the store.

Answering the phone

 A little girl is home alone when the phone rings.

"Hello? ...no, my daddy's not home. He's a cosmonaut up in space, and he'll be coming back tonight!

"My mother? She's not home either, she's waiting in line to get some potatoes. She'll be back tomorrow."

Vanya's father

 A teacher asks the students what their parents do for their jobs, and little Vanya says, "My father owns a brothel!"

Later, the very concerned teacher calls Vanya's father and says "Your son told me you own a brothel."

"No, he's just trying to save face," the father replies, "I actually work for the KGB."

Farmyard comrades

 A cucumber, a radish, a tomato, and a flea all apply to join the Communist Party.

The cucumber is turned away for being too green.

The radish is turned away for being red on the surface, but white on the inside.

The tomato is turned away for being too soft.

The flea returns to the vegetables and announces that he got in!

When the vegetables ask how, he replies, "Don't you know? They always let in another parasite!"

Cycle Smarts

 Why do police officers ride two to a motorcycle?

Because you need at least eight years of education to drive one.

Questions from a Soviet School Exam

 Question 1: Who is your favorite political leader?

Question 2: Why is it Comrade Lenin?